The one thing that the preseason friendlies have revealed to me thus far is the enormous drop off in talent between the commentary teams that we were spoilt with during the World Cup to the B-level of talent we witnessed during the Man United vs Celtic (Glenn Davis and Kyle Martino) and San Jose Earthquakes vs Tottenham Hotspur (Rob Stone and Taylor Twellman) games. It almost feels like separation anxiety now that Ian Darke, Roberto Martinez and others have left us.

In fairness to ESPN, their usual team of US-based A-level commentators must be taking a well-deserved vacation after working the 31-day World Cup tournament. But still, the lack of decent commentary by the remaining commentators available is alarming. And it’s something that I didn’t pay particular attention to until reality struck that Darke, Tyler, Martinez and company are now back in the UK.

Here are just a few examples of how poor ESPN’s commentary was during the Earthquakes against Spurs game Saturday:

1. Stone and Twellman raved about Robbie Keane and described how he is currently “in his prime” and would be a perfect designated player signing for MLS especially for a team such as New England Revolution. While I don’t disagree that Keane would be a welcome addition to MLS, to describe Keane as being in the prime of his career is absurd. He’s 30 years old. He was on loan to Celtic last season because he couldn’t get a regular starting place ahead of Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe and Roman Pavlyuchenko. Robbie Keane’s prime of his career has long passed. You could argue that his best year was his 2006-2007 season at Tottenham when he scored 22 goals in 44 appearances. That was 3-4 years ago.
2. Here’s an actual transcript of how Stone described one incident in the game yesterday: “Cornell Glen gets his man down, fires, and Cudicini serves up no rebound.” Huh? Cringe.
3. The pronunciation of some of the players names were butchered. For example, the commentators had a particularly difficult time pronouncing the names of Luka Modric and Niko Kranjcar.
4. Twellman was raving about Gareth Bale. I admire his skills too and find him to be one of the most exciting players in the Premier League. But during the game when Twellman described how well left back Bale was playing, he made a comment that wouldn’t England love to have someone of his caliber in that position? Problem is that England has Ashley Cole, one of the best left backs in the world.
5. Last but not least, most American commentators need to put the statistics sheet away and concentrate on the game itself. Watching the San Jose against Tottenham game, it often felt like Stone and Twellman were treating the 90 minutes like a talk show instead of focusing on the game itself. When commentators read statistic after statistic, it makes the listener feel as if the commentators are overcompensating for their inadequacies. It’s also frustrating because it takes us away from the game itself. All we want to do is hear about the match and what they’re seeing on the pitch. Not what happened off it in the past.

Many of the criticisms of Stone and Twellman can be leveled against most B-level soccer commentators in the United States. Twellman, to be fair, was in the color commentator seat for the first time ever for ESPN, so it’ll take time for him to improve. But based on first impressions, it was a terrible performance. Stone, meanwhile, is a much better presenter than commentator, so he was definitely out of his element this past weekend.

But whether it’s the team of Stone-Twellman or other commentators, the fact of the matter is that there’s huge room for improvement in the level of commentating of soccer games in the United States. But the reality is that there are few decent role models in the States. Phil Schoen of GolTV is the best one. JP Dellacamera, while not perfect, has the experience. John Harkes, despite the criticism, is improving and we saw that improvement as the World Cup evolved this summer. Adrian Healey and Robbie Mustoe are getting better and continue to hone their craft, but despite living in the States for several years, they’re technically English commentators, not American. Kyle Martino is likable but needs more experience.

The reality is that there aren’t a whole lot of decent soccer commentators or analysts in the United States, hence the reason ESPN hired most of its talent from Europe this summer. However, US sports networks have an opportunity to groom talent. Consider how many hours of games are available for them to work on throughout a typical season even if the games themselves are using the international feed. There are still plenty of time before, at half-time and after games to hone their craft.

The other option is for ESPN and other broadcasters to hire foreign talent on a permanent deal. While Martin Tyler, Ian Darke and company are well paid for their services in the United Kingdom, there still may be room for other English commentators to ply their craft in the States on a permanent deal. What about bringing over a Steve Banyard or Stewart Robson on a 12-month contract? Someone with quality who can help mentor some of the less experienced U.S. commentators and analysts? It’s definitely worth a consideration.

England manager Fabio Capello may have forbidden an official England World Cup song, but that hasn’t stopped some of the biggest football commentators in England from recording a song to support their country’s team in this summer’s World Cup. Problem is it’s one of those songs that is grating the first time you listen to it. And it gets worse on repeated listens.

The song, entitled “Let’s Hear It England,” features commentators from ITV, BBC, Sky and ESPN together with the Cotswold Male Voice Choir. Commentators appearing on the track include Guy Mowbray, Jon Champion, Clive Tyldesley, Martin Tyler, Steve Banyard, Rob Hawthorne, Ian Darke, Peter Brackley, Simon Brotherton, Peter Drury, and Steve Wilson.

The project was created by football commentator Steve Banyard. He composed the song and oversaw the production. “For the demo track, Steve recorded all the instrumentation, and much of that is retained in the final version.
Steve began playing the piano from age 9, and has been writing music since he was 11, but this is the first time he’s ever released one of his songs,” according to the Commentators United website.

While I enjoy Banyard as a commentator and I appreciate the effort he has made to create a song to get behind the England team, this is a song that people will get sick of hearing over and over again between now and the World Cup in June.

Take, for example, the lyrics to the chorus:

“Let’s hear it En-ger-land (oh-ay, oh-ay-o)
Let’s hear it En-ger-land (oh-ay, oh-ay-o)
We’re gonna red, white, blue you
Shoot right through you now.”

Yikes.

What do you think? It’s definitely no New Order “World In Motion,” or “Three Lions” by The Lightning Seeds.

Last Thursday, I was away from the television set so I decided to follow the Blackburn Rovers against Aston Villa Carling Cup tie via the radio for a change.

Listening to the Tunin.FM radio app on my iPhone, I was immediately captivated by the commentary for a few different reasons.

First, radio commentary sounds more dramatic than TV commentary. The radio commentators have better voices than most of their television compatriots, and they use their radio voices to good measure to pull you in to the action.

Second, the radio commentator is in complete control of your emotions. All you have to focus on is their voices and the sounds from the stadium so you feel yourself being pulled in “closer to the action.” The near misses sound closer on radio as your heart skips a beat, and your blood pressure rises and falls dependent on what happens.

Third, radio commentary is far more exciting. With games shown on television, it becomes a paint by numbers exercise as you see what’s happening on the pitch just as well as the TV commentator does. With radio, you’re more at the mercy of the commentator who paints a picture to tell you what’s happening. The crowd noise through the radio sounds much louder than on television, which adds to the excitement. Or maybe because you’re more focused on the sounds on the radio that it volume of the crowd sounds louder?

For me, the experience of listening to English football on a radio is probably similar to grabbing an old vinyl album, putting on an amazing pair of headphones and being swallowed up by every note of the music.

If you’ve never had a chance to listen to a radio commentary or it’s been a while, I highly encourage you to try it. You may be pleasantly surprised. Plus it’s a nice way to appreciate life in a different way instead of getting burned out watching television. If you do give it a try, listen to a radio commentary from BBC Radio Five Live for the best experience.

At the end of a productive week you shuffle off to your living room for some deserved rest. You plonk yourself down on the comfy couch, arrange a smorgasbord of snacks on the table and tune in to the game of the week.

Everything is aligned for an ideal Sunday afternoon fiesta when suddenly it seizes you like fingernails scratching a blackboard: your game’s commentator is a serial abuser of proper diction. He stumbles through a mangled version of English leaving a trail of nonsensical doublespeak. You toy with the mute button on your remote. Suddenly, those pending chores seem feasible.

The soccer in the Barclay’s Premier League is compelling if one enjoys watching overpaid athletes chase a ball around an acre of manicured grass, but the colorless commentary of their sweaty endeavors is repelling.

The main play-by-play presenters are engaging enough; having mastered elocution they provide pleasing commentary. Sure they occasionally say something stupid but it sounds utterly convincing with their English accent. Besides, they are at least amusing, unlike their inarticulate sidekicks.

These sidekicks are invariably ex-players with indecipherable enunciation, woeful vocabularies and bad pronunciation. When they say something stupid, which would be about every minute, it sounds utterly stupid. Here’s a mild example: “I agree on their form, John. Just last week [team] played away to [team] and came away with a result.” Pardon me, I don’t mean to be a stickler for details, but would that result be a win, loss or draw? I don’t have time to track all the scores.

This is more than the trivial inconvenience of a displeased fan whose Sunday afternoon is ruined by the hackneyed analysis of his chosen pleasure. Televised soccer is big business and the Barclays Premier League is the pinnacle. Games from the much ballyhooed league draw massive audiences from Sydney, Australia to Sidney, British Columbia and in hamlets, villages, shanty towns, communes, burgs and major cities betwixt and between.

Surely it’s time to match the Premier League’s obvious marketing prowess with slicker production. Let’s start with some remedial training for the inarticulate sidekicks.

Ironically, we can stay within the self-indulgent world of European soccer for guidance. The Union of European Football Associations (UEFA) is the controlling body for European football. Like many unions their regulations are somewhat annoying but they did get one thing right: they instituted a licensing program for potential managers/coaches that culminates with the pro license required to manage a soccer team in the top level of a nation’s league system.

If it’s good enough for coaches it’s good enough for football pundits who try to communicate their presumed superior knowledge of our favorite sport.

When we allow a tradesperson into our house to fix the plumbing or electrical wiring, for example, we ensure they are licensed. Since our spare time is precious, we should demand no less from the football presenters we invite into our living rooms — they should be credentialed lest they unwittingly ruin a perfectly good game.

Would-be football analysts should attain a minimal level of core competencies before pursing their vocation. Communicating to millions of viewers is the nub of their business, so it makes sense they should communicate clearly, if not entertainingly. To that end, a yearlong curriculum that emphasizes fundamental English usage, elocution, diction, vocabulary and public speaking is essential job training.

Former players once skilled with foot on ball, too often put foot in mouth. A football analyst license geared toward effective communication won’t overcome years of intellectual dereliction in school, but it might minimize their gibberish.

With the 1.24 billion league matches on offer at Sky, Setanta, and the Other Ones, you can’t really blame professional football announcers for over-relying on their trusty grab bag of football clichés.  But now that John ‘Motty’ Motson has left for good, I think it’s time to wipe the slate clean in English football.  Here is a list of stock footie commentator observations I would like to personally shank to Row Z.

1.    It’s a dream start for [insert team name here] – Said if there is a goal in the first ten minutes. A dream start?  Does nicking a goal before the other team within ten minutes of kick-off really constitute some sort of Dionysian reverie?  Do the scoring players run into their managers’ arms crying, “I must be dreaming!”?

2.    He really should have scored there – Normally heard when an opposing forward manages to make a foot or two of free space on a corner or free-kick and makes contact with the ball only to see if go wide or over. He should have should he?  Have you ever played football?  Do you live on a planet where scoring on every single free-header is considered some sort of categorical imperative?  I’d even prefer, ‘That were close, innit?’

3.    The crowd is sensing something here – Used when the home side manages to string four or more passes in the opposing half, causing supporters to murmer in unison. Unless those twenty thousand large men singing “No One Likes Us” are Spidermen or Deanna Troy clones in disguise, I don’t think they’re sensing anything.  I think they’d like to see a goal.

4.    That should provide some talking points after the match – Uttered after a red card, two-footed tackle, missed penalty call, etc. This is one of the worst.  Dumb people who work in politics use talking points.  Football journalists cover stories.  Know the difference and you’ve won half the battle (another one!)

5.    This top-of-the-table-clash promises to be a thriller – Is it Grand Slam Sunday already? Come on…most of us have been watching the Premier League for years now.  Even if you’ve only been following the league since last season, you’d have a pretty good hunch that Liverpool v. Chelsea should not be watched while working with heavy machinery.   Let the game do the talking.

6.    Time for one more goal maybe?  Winning side gets possession in the last minute of injury time. Who knows?  Maybe there’s still time for one more throw-in perhaps?  Or another goal kick?  Or another sideline foul?  I was going to flip to the weather channel now that we’re four-up on Bolton, but since you’ve reminded me the possibilities are endless, I think I’ll stay.

7.    Could they score here?  What a story that would be! – Side one-goal-down gets possession in the last minute of injury time. My club is losing and they haven’t created a decent chance in the last half hour. Please please please please leave me alone.

8.    A goal at this point would only be consolation – Side two-or-more-down gets possession in the last minute of injury time. I feel consoled we’ve lost five-one instead of five-nil.  Yowza.  Off to the pub now, right as rain.  Anyway, the joke’s on the announcer – I switched to the weather station three goals ago.

9.  [Insert team name here] have been ripped apart — An absolute shower gets hammered.  Think Liverpool 8 Besiktas 0. You know, they’re not actually killing each other out there.  I’d love to see some poor defender’s intestines hanging off Steven Gerrard’s fists on a quiet Saturday morning, but then football would be pay-per-view and I wouldn’t be able to afford it.  Perhaps I’ve given Scudamore an idea though…

Richard Whittall runs A More Splendid Life, a blog that chronicles one fan’s escape to the beautiful game.

If you could pick your favorite football commentators from around the world, who would they be and why? Consider both radio and television.

My fantasy lineup is as follows:

Lead commentator: Martin Tyler (Sky Sports)
Co-commentator: Mike Ingham (BBC Five Live)
Pitchside commentator: Stuart Hall (BBC)
Studio analyst: Andy Gray (Sky Sports)
TV Pundit: Eamonn Dunphy
TV Presenter: Gary Lineker (BBC)

It’s time for the football commentators to have their moment in the light. After all, the footballers have been in fantasy sides for too long.

If you could pick your favorite football commentators from around the world, who would they be and why? For the older readers, feel free to post your team from the past too (Brian Moore, Bryon Butler, Barry Davies, Peter Jones, etc, as suggestions).