EPL Talk » Gareth Bale

Least Valuable Premier League XI

tyduffy — Sun, 31 May 2009 23:35:48 +0000

This is not the worst team in the Premier League. It is the least valuable. This team would incite the masses with talent, with name recognition and with expense. They would then fail pathetically. This team could be composed entirely of Newcastle players, but we thought we’d include a few others to keep things interesting.

Emmanuel Adebayor (Arsenal): Doubled his salary this season. Halved his work rate and effectiveness.

Michael Owen (Newcastle): No longer an elite player, no leadership value, paid like someone with both.

Damien Duff (Newcastle): Expensive, complacent and ineffectual, Duff is a perfect emblem for Newcastle’s season.

Joey Barton (Newcastle): He makes £60,000 per week. No description needed.

Deco (Chelsea): Barcelona – better when he left. Chelsea – better when he stopped playing.

David Bentley (Tottenham): Once tipped to start for England, can’t even start for Tottenham. Spurs won eight out of eleven league games he did not play.

Gareth Bale (Tottenham): Spurs still have not won a Premier League match he has appeared in.

Micah Richards (Manchester City): Has regressed rather than progressed, a testament to Capello’s insight.

Gary Neville (Manchester United): Waste of a squad position.

Andrea Dossena (Liverpool): One reason Rafa Benitez should have to work for his transfer funds.

Craig Gordon (Sunderland): Sunderland allowed 113 goals the past two seasons. Not all Gordon’s fault, but you would expect more impact, given his transfer fee.

The Premier League Horror Hair Starting XI

tyduffy — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 15:51:42 +0000

This team would win neither titles nor plaudits. But, they certainly would entertain. They may even possibly scare small children. Without further delay, here is the most follically challenged/enlightened team in the English Premier League.

Manager: Joe Kinnear (Newcastle) Joe Kinnear is old school and tempestuous, his hair coincides. It’s a mullet. It’s a bird’s nest. Combined, it is just a mess.

GK: David James (Portsmouth) This group of goalkeepers has scant follicle creativity, making David James the run-away choice. Whether it’s cornrows, the standard fro or that slick do that lasted one magical day, the Pompey keeper does a job.

D: Gareth Bale (Tottenham) Bale’s hair looks as freakishly overzealous as the rest of his body. It defies styling. It defies gravity. Yet, with all of its characteristic Welsh mysticism, it can’t conjure a win for Spurs when he plays.

D: Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle) When Coloccini arrived at Newcastle, he drew comparisons to Kevin Keegan in his prime. Whether you term it to be a perm or a lions’ mane, it’s molto fantastico.

D: John Terry (Chelsea) Terry does not necessarily belong in this team, but his general jerk factor should leave him open to even the most far-fetching ridicule. He deploys the devious tactic of using height and product to mask an ever-worsening coverage issue.

D: Bakary Sagna (Arsenal) Normally, the blonde tarantula look would be absurd. But, Bak rocks it as an everyday look rather than a fanciful fit, which bizarrely has made it seem normal.

M: Stephen Ireland (Manchester City) Ireland should be excluded, given his shorn status. But, the premature balding followed by the mysterious solution he found last season leaves a lingering effect.

M: Steven Pienaar (Everton) Cornrows can be a nice look, even a sensible one for the footballer wanting neither muss nor fuss. However, Pineaar’s shaving pattern around the ear, which is not his natural hairline, jars the visage.

M: Marouane Fellaini (Everton) Fellaini already has ten yellow cards in 17 Premier League appearances. Don’t tell me it’s his height or prodigious skill that attracts the referees. It’s all the hair.

M: Dirk Kuyt (Liverpool) Kuyt’s hair is business in the front and party in the back, with style nowhere to be found. He’s a 1980’s Larry Bird sans the moustache.

F: Djibril Cisse (Sunderland) (C) Djibril Cisse no longer shocks with his hair. Any style or color is conceivable. His head’s entirety has merged into a single unit of expression. He’s even married to a hair dresser. This craggy veteran wears the armband.

F: Andy Carroll (Newcastle) Andy Carroll emulates Kevin Federline. He’s already got the pattern of juvenile delinquence. With his new hairstyle, he’s got the fire as well.

Which Premier League Footballer Are You?

The Gaffer — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 10:30:00 +0000

When you’re watching the Premier League, which footballer do you identify with the most? In life, are you a hard-nosed John Terry, a metrosexual David Bentley, a wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve Steven Gerrard, or perhaps a John Carew who has a penchant for lap dances?

As a child, I identified with Kenny Dalglish when he played at Liverpool. One, I was pretty deadly in front of goal when playing at my local playground. Two, whenever I ran, I always got really red in the face as King Kenny did. And three, he had a similar haircut to mine at that time.

Of course, Dalglish never played in the Premier League, but if I had to pick one that I identify with the most, it would have to be Gareth Bale. He’s Welsh, like I am. He plays on the left wing, which is the position I played at during high school. He always tries hard and has a lot of potential as well as pace.

Which Premier League player do you identify with and why? Click the comments link below and let us know.