EPL Talk » john motson

Nine Football Announcing Cliches We Could Do Without

Richard Whittall — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 06:00:00 +0000

With the 1.24 billion league matches on offer at Sky, Setanta, and the Other Ones, you can’t really blame professional football announcers for over-relying on their trusty grab bag of football clichés. But now that John ‘Motty’ Motson has left for good, I think it’s time to wipe the slate clean in English football. Here is a list of stock footie commentator observations I would like to personally shank to Row Z.

1. It’s a dream start for [insert team name here] – Said if there is a goal in the first ten minutes. A dream start? Does nicking a goal before the other team within ten minutes of kick-off really constitute some sort of Dionysian reverie? Do the scoring players run into their managers’ arms crying, “I must be dreaming!”?

2. He really should have scored there – Normally heard when an opposing forward manages to make a foot or two of free space on a corner or free-kick and makes contact with the ball only to see if go wide or over. He should have should he? Have you ever played football? Do you live on a planet where scoring on every single free-header is considered some sort of categorical imperative? I’d even prefer, ‘That were close, innit?’

3. The crowd is sensing something here – Used when the home side manages to string four or more passes in the opposing half, causing supporters to murmer in unison. Unless those twenty thousand large men singing “No One Likes Us” are Spidermen or Deanna Troy clones in disguise, I don’t think they’re sensing anything. I think they’d like to see a goal.

4. That should provide some talking points after the match – Uttered after a red card, two-footed tackle, missed penalty call, etc. This is one of the worst. Dumb people who work in politics use talking points. Football journalists cover stories. Know the difference and you’ve won half the battle (another one!)

5. This top-of-the-table-clash promises to be a thriller – Is it Grand Slam Sunday already? Come on…most of us have been watching the Premier League for years now. Even if you’ve only been following the league since last season, you’d have a pretty good hunch that Liverpool v. Chelsea should not be watched while working with heavy machinery. Let the game do the talking.

6. Time for one more goal maybe? Winning side gets possession in the last minute of injury time. Who knows? Maybe there’s still time for one more throw-in perhaps? Or another goal kick? Or another sideline foul? I was going to flip to the weather channel now that we’re four-up on Bolton, but since you’ve reminded me the possibilities are endless, I think I’ll stay.

7. Could they score here? What a story that would be! – Side one-goal-down gets possession in the last minute of injury time. My club is losing and they haven’t created a decent chance in the last half hour. Please please please please leave me alone.

8. A goal at this point would only be consolation – Side two-or-more-down gets possession in the last minute of injury time. I feel consoled we’ve lost five-one instead of five-nil. Yowza. Off to the pub now, right as rain. Anyway, the joke’s on the announcer – I switched to the weather station three goals ago.

9. [Insert team name here] have been ripped apart — An absolute shower gets hammered. Think Liverpool 8 Besiktas 0. You know, they’re not actually killing each other out there. I’d love to see some poor defender’s intestines hanging off Steven Gerrard’s fists on a quiet Saturday morning, but then football would be pay-per-view and I wouldn’t be able to afford it. Perhaps I’ve given Scudamore an idea though…

Richard Whittall runs A More Splendid Life, a blog that chronicles one fan’s escape to the beautiful game.

Euro 2008 Coverage Has Failed To Match The Tournament

Josh Allen — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:51:15 +0000

Having watched most of Euro 2008 spread out between the BBC and ITV I have come to the conclusion that both channels need a major shake up in the ways they cover sport. Both sides irritate people with different aspects of their coverage, for example they both need some new pundits and co-commentators in because the ones they have now aren’t doing the job. Along with that I am fed up of tuning into the BBC to watch football only for Jake Humphreys to be running around Vienna telling me about some film that was made there sixty years ago, what has that got to do with football? ITV are just as bad though, I understand they are a commercial station and as such adverts are their main source of revenue but do they really need to place them between the players walking out onto the pitch and the end of the national anthems, it is ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier though the thing that annoys me the most is the pundits and co-commentators, let start with the BBC’s choice for Euro 2008. Firstly the good things, which consist of Alan Hansen and Martin O’Neill. Hansen is still in my eyes the best pundit on television, he has a good insight into the game and unlike most people I find what he says actually interesting and informative. O’Neill has impressed me as well, like Hansen I am interested in what he has to say about football because he is currently involved in the game and you always get the sense that he is giving it exactly as he sees it. That’s where the good bits end and the bad ones emerge starting with Mark Lawrenson who managed to get my back up a treat on Sunday evening during the Spain against Italy quarter-final. Why bother being a commentator if all you are going to do is moan about the game, yes it was boring but was there any need to reiterate that point over and over again. Perhaps in my naivety I thought co-commentators were supposed to analysis the game and provides some insight making the match interesting but instead Lawrenson was making things worse with his unhelpful comments, adding to my frustration with the game.

Why they insist on putting John Motson and Lawrenson together I will never know because they are the worst commentary combination going. I would advise you to push the red button and listen to Five Lives commentary which is usually excellent but they have decided to go off their heads and employ Steve McClaren and Graham Taylor as colour commentators. I wonder if they are starting a failed England manager collection, we should expect to see Glenn Hoddle join them soon. I can’t stand McClaren, his voice is so boring and monotonous that it could put insomniacs to sleep whilst he babbles on about how he tried to sign this player and that player when he was at Middlesborough as soon as the aforementioned player does something well.

Speaking of monotonous voices we shall move on to Alan Shearer, a fantastic player but still one of the worst pundits I have ever seen. He revealed himself to be a massive hypocrite on Sunday evening after berating Italy for playing so defensively and claiming it was a “victory for football” when Spain had won despite spending the majority of the season on Match of the Day praising teams who did exactly the same thing against the likes of Arsenal to stop them playing football. There isn’t enough time to pick out all the faults with the BBC’s Euro 2008 coverage, Gary Lineker is another one, but I will finally return to my one about the ridiculous short videos they put on about nothing in particular. Does anyone else remember the star gazing man who was predicting France’s fortunes at the tournament or where Adrian Chiles had become so ‘stressed’ he had to see a psychiatrist because he was in the home land of Sigmund Freud. I still do not understand the reasoning behind these mini films and probably never will but please stop it.

Now onto ITV and it doesn’t really get any better here, the good aspects of their coverage would probably be Steve Rider who is actually a good presenter and holds the show together. They don’t have stupid videos about Sigmund Freud, instead going for the radical option of including bulletins about football in their football programme. Finally they have a couple of good commentators in Peter Drury and Clive Tyldesley, that’s not to say the BBC don’t have a decent collection themselves, I enjoy listening to Steve Wilson and Guy Mowbray who do a good job.

The problems for ITV begin when they decide to put David Pleat in the co-commentators chair. How this man was ever a successful manager I will never know because he is about as insightful as a baby’s pop-up box. During the Germany V Portugal game the commentator asked Pleat a question and he responded by saying: “yes, both teams are trying to pass the ball.” Now I may not be a football manager but isn’t that one of the key elements of the game? At this point I would have liked to have reached through my television screen and shaken him until he came out with something useful but I thought my arms would get sore before that miracle happened. Back in the studio it doesn’t get any better with poor Steve Rider having to try and hold an intelligent discussion with Andy Townsend who is still working out how to use the replay machine so he can illustrate his point. Alongside him could be anyone ITV can lay their hands on that is remotely involved with football, could be Gary Neville who still thinks his teenage moustache is cool and is probably more concerned with what sweets he can get from the canteen after the game. In fact I don’t know why ITV bother employing pundits because they have so many advert breaks that they can only get 30 seconds in before they cut to another advert telling me I need to become a driving instructor.

I do occasionally wish that Sky Sports were covering Euro 2008 but then I realise that the advert breaks are just as bad as ITV and I would have to watch Jamie Redknapp try a pronounce Russian names which would be more frustrating than a Rubik cube.

The only thing to do is sit back with your fingers in your ears and enjoy the football, place a cheeky bet to make it more interesting.

Who’s Your Fantasy Team Of Football Commentators?

The Gaffer — Sun, 25 May 2008 13:20:08 +0000

If you could pick your favorite football commentators from around the world, who would they be and why? Consider both radio and television.

My fantasy lineup is as follows:

Lead commentator: Martin Tyler (Sky Sports)
Co-commentator: Mike Ingham (BBC Five Live)
Pitchside commentator: Stuart Hall (BBC)
Studio analyst: Andy Gray (Sky Sports)
TV Pundit: Eamonn Dunphy
TV Presenter: Gary Lineker (BBC)

It’s time for the football commentators to have their moment in the light. After all, the footballers have been in fantasy sides for too long.

If you could pick your favorite football commentators from around the world, who would they be and why? For the older readers, feel free to post your team from the past too (Brian Moore, Bryon Butler, Barry Davies, Peter Jones, etc, as suggestions).