I’m just going to come right out and say it: I suck at Photoshop.

A year ago, a Digital Photography course I had to take for my degree at university pushed me head-first into the world of photo-doctoring. Not to the point where we were creating things that weren’t there, but just touching pictures up so that they looked more aesthetically pleasing. I got out of the class with a solid A, but I didn’t then and I wouldn’t now call myself an expert.

Other people are, though, and fair play to them. However, when some of these supposed artists’ work – namely fake football shirt designs – hits the presses otherwise known as the Internet, I can’t help but ponder the following:

Shouldn’t we have anything better to do with our lives?

I realize that morbid curiosity gets the best of pretty much everybody at some stage, but sometimes I really do fear for those who fall at the first few hurdles. If you want a case in point, we’re right in the middle of a pretty big one at the moment, with tech-savvy prognosticators trying to predict what Adidas, Nike, Umbro, Canterbury, Under Armour – Yes, really. Hannover 96 must protect this house! – and all the rest of the kit manufacturers are going to be coming up with for club and national sides for the upcoming season.

That’s fine, except that by my math, ‘next season’ for a lot of those teams is around about five months away.

To help put this into perspective, allow me to throw in a personal anecdote. The club I support, Manchester City, is in its second year of a contract with French kit manufacturer Le Coq Sportif – Which translates into English as ‘The Sporty Rooster.’ …Yeah, okay. – and has travel agency Thomas Cook as their main sponsor. Both of these things are set to change next season, with City changing manufacturers (to Umbro) and possibly sponsors (to Etihad Airways).

I’m not going to speak for all City fans here, but frankly even that bit about next year’s kits is more than I’m really all that bothered to know at present, especially when I’m much more concerned with what’s going on more immediately with a club that’s still very much alive in the UEFA Cup and battling to retain their place in Europe for next season. Therefore, you can imagine that I might have been a wee bit annoyed the other day to find that the blog Todos Sobre Camisetas had unearthed the Blues’ supposed new home shirt for the 2009-10 campaign…or so they and we are all led to think.

On the surface, it’s all there: club badge on the left (from the wearer’s perspective), Umbro logo on the right, ‘Etihad Airways’ emblazoned in block letters on the middle of the chest. The only problem? It looks just like the supposed new England home shirt that has been making the rounds on Internet football sites. Which may or may not actually be the real thing. And is supposedly going to retail at a recession-tastic £50.

It’s with that last point in mind, then, that I put out the following question: Why are we encouraging this? I suppose there is the possibility that a lot of these ‘insiders’ are just wind-up merchants and/or supporters of other teams that are trying to get a rise out of rival fans, but I fail to see what purpose that serves.

Premiership clubs  evidently reserve the right to come out with the following season’s kits before the last one’s even finished anyway – See among others Chelsea wearing this season’s ‘new’ kit in the Champions League final last summer – thereby giving fans something to tide them over during the summer, which in my mind makes this plagiari…er, art of creating fake kit designs ultimately kind of pointless.

Then again, maybe I just have more pressing issues to worry about.

From an extravagant Russian billionaire to the post-peak stripper living paycheck to paycheck, the economic crisis has affected all.  At some point, the recession will even reach the insular world of Premier League footballers.  To help these normally fiscally free dandies adjust to these more responsible times, here are four helpful tips.

The Pint: Despite the scarring examples provided by Tony Adams and Paul Gascoigne, drinking remains an essential part of footballing culture.  We wouldn’t dare suggest that Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard adopt the more professional, moderate lifestyles of players on the continent.  Surely, commitment to fitness has nothing to do with winning a World Cup.  However, these lads could imbibe in a more cost-conscious manner.  Sugary mixed drinks in England are overpriced and awful, and paying £250 for a bottle of champagne is sodden idiocy.  Either option is also effeminate.  The simple beer is smooth, cost-effective and masculine.  It lets you know when to stop.

The Base Model Car: A Bentley Continental GT is a lovely car.  It’s cool.  Just as cool as the one you bought last year and equally as awesome as the four identical ones your teammates have sitting in the same parking lot.  Your super-car may be extra cool, with customized rims and your playing number and child’s or ex-girlfriend’s name worked into the trim.  But, really who are you trying to impress?  Women love luxury.  Show up in a modest Mercedes or BMW.  It keeps the class and lessens the load on the wallet.  If you have anything more impressive in the automobile department, women wonder what deficiency for which you need to overcompensate.

Monogamy: Women are expensive.  Whether you date one, marry one, meet one in a club, visit one on the sly after training or pay your way into pleasure, it is going to be a good time.  Having a healthy one-woman relationship minimizes wining and dining expenses.  There’s only one set of birthday and Valentine’s Day gifts to buy.  Another added benefit of flying with one, is you don’t get caught.  There’s no emotional baggage.  Financially, you don’t have to buy expensive gifts to make up for it.  You don’t lose half your money in a messy divorce.  When the footballing days are over, and you are a grizzled old coot with jowls spouting aimless clichés on television, you have someone to take care of you.

Security: You have a large amount of money and no responsibilities.  You want to buy some crazy jewelry and an insane home theater set.  You don’t, however, want to buy two of everything.  Have a security detail.  Maybe you don’t want to pay one full time, but have someone guarding your house, particularly in Liverpool or Manchester, when you are playing away in Europe.  It may seem an unnecessary expense now, but it’s cozy not to have to worry about your loved ones being robbed at knifepoint.